Today’s wives whose marriages are heading rock bottom usually approach their husbands with one language, “let’s try save our marriage”. They think that in the marriage, both partners are equally responsible to making it better. But truth be told, most husbands would much rather disconnect than commit to saving their marriages. The wives become frustrated as they don’t understand why their husbands won’t want to do their part to save the marriage without being “pushed”.
To spare all the frustration, pushing and exhaustion that come with the let’s-save-our-marriage Process, wives must first understand that husbands are approached completely differently. For better understanding, I will give reasons that make husbands to disconnect, emotionally and otherwise, from their wives especially when asked to commit to saving their marriages:
Too many emotions to deal with
Once husbands emotionally, mentally and physically disconnect from their wives, the wives think they must have moved on to greener pastures. In this case, another woman is occupying his mind. This is true for most marriages, but there are a few times that this case is false. Many times husbands mentally move on and it is upon the wives to figure out a way to get them reconnected. It is not easy for husbands to move on emotionally or mentally. It requires a lot of emotions set aside to do this.
Meaning a reconnection to their wives may cause an emotional imbalance which will confuse them. Men like being sure of themselves when making decisions so there is no telling what might happen if startled with confusions of this sort. Wives should understand this and find the best possible way to get their husbands back on board. They shouldn’t walk away from their husbands. Instead, they should change their mode of communication to a language that their husbands will understand. The solution might not be immediate, but enough times I have seen things work out for married couples who choose to stick it out.
Saving the marriage means working too hard
As discussed above, we know that the language wives use to get their husbands reconnected should change. Husbands don’t want to hear words like ‘work’ or ‘save’ in the same sentence as marriage. This sets them off. In their minds, they are instantly taking it as a job which is unappealing to them. They usually see other people being introduced into their marriages in an attempt to ‘save it’. They envision their wives dragging them from one marriage counsellor to another. This to them means they will be forced to open their souls for discussion which to them don’t need to be discussed openly.
Husbands and men in general, detest having to dig deep into their feelings especially when they don’t want to be told where they seem to have failed. He will think what the wife is asking for, he cannot meet. Two things will happen when using the above approach, either he will completely shut down or refuse the idea. Instead, wives should colour the images they are trying to get their husbands to see very differently. The meaning and end result should be the same, only the message delivery should change. Wives should take into account what he used to love when things were great between them and use that.
Make them remember how good things used to be. For men to get an emotional connection, they require a physical one. Therefore, wives should engage with their husbands physically if they want to reconnect with them. As this is the only language men understand, wives should use it to guide them back to them. They need to tell and show their husbands how to reconnect.
Wives should take into account that men first observe situations before they can engage in them. It is so they do not waste their time in an idea or activity that is hopeless. Easiest way to get men off the bench into an active participant is through proving that the situation can change, that you can change.
Show them that the marriage can be better and he will willingly want to help save your marriage. Even if men do not voice they want to save the marriage, they will engage in the steps set by the wife to follow in saving the marriage as the wife showed him how positive and effortless it can be. In conclusion, wives should apply positive and effortless means to get their husbands in the same page as them.
He’s already given up saving the marriage as this has happened before
Most married men I know who have encountered a bumpy road with their spouse before, would rather give up on the marriage altogether than try saving it. This doesn’t mean they are quitters. It’s just that this bumpy road is all too familiar to them and since repairing it did not work the first time round, they tend to think ‘what could possibly make it work this time’.
An effort which would immediately prove fruitless for them, hence refuse to commit to the same fruitless process. Men are wired differently than women. They consider positive results before engaging in anything. This means for a wife to get her man involved in saving their marriage, they need to set the pace for them, a positive one, one that is painless. Once he sees the marriage can be saved, he won’t have to be coerced to take part in the process but will find himself doing it.
Women must realise that they have a lot of power in them to get their husbands’ participation. A woman must choose to change within herself in order to get an equal reaction from her partner. To set an example for her husband to follow. To create positive changes and reactions from within herself first. And as men observe before committing, these positive changes will make the want and love to commit.